With the overwhelming positive response from my last review, I realized that people prefer my riffings on terrible movies. So I’ve decided to follow up “I Know Who Killed Me” with the equally atricious “Dragon Wars” — or “D-War” or “Dragon Poo”. Whatever. This one is a doozie.
I remember the trailers to this movie looking awesome, all my friends were eager to see it. What the hell happened?
This s*** bomb is the story of a young boy who discovers that he is a reincarnated warrior from ancient China. Who needs to protect and save another reincarnated woman named Sarah. Okay? He needs to protect her from Imoogi. What’s Imoogi? I’ll tell you my fine readers, it’s an ancient creature who comes to Earth every 500 years.
Sweet, dragons. Not quite, in order to become a dragon the Imoogi must acquire the Yeouijoo <<< have fun pronouncing that. Just so happens that this "Y" word is inside Sarah. Confused yet? Don't worry, the whole movie makes no sense. So the "good" and "evil" Imoogi are nipping at the bud for her. Whoever gets her decides the fate of our planet. So no dragons? WHAT THE BALLS? How dare you movie? Do not toy with my emotions like that. I am powerful. What we get are several scenes of random creatures duking it out in the city streets. Which is actually pretty decent and the visual effects are nicely polished, but hey -- if I spray perfume on a piece of s*** -- it's still a piece of s***. The stupidity of the story is staggering, let's start from the top. When Ethan (our hero) is told the story of Imoogi by Robert Forrester (Jack) as a child, the story goes on far too long. 20 minutes or so, for some reason Ethan is totally cool with this. Really? Not a single question? Some old dude in an antiques shop tells you that you are destined to save the planet from massive dragons -- and your fine with it? I would've thought he was senile or trying to molest me. Sarah turns 19, which I guess is the ripe age for Imoogi consumption. Ethan's destiny is to find Sarah and guard her, along with his good cameraman buddy and comic relief Bruce (Craig Robinson). Being a reporter means you have all the resources at your fingertips, but how do we find her? Here's where the fun kicks in. Sarah has a birthmark, which coincidentally is shapped perfectly like a dragon. Okay, what? She never realized this, IT'S A DRAGON! MORON! So Ethan decides to search on his computer database for anyone named Sarah -- with blonde hair -- 19 -- with a dragon birthmark. There's no way this is going to work -- nevermind. How dumb do you think I am? I know I'm watching your movie, but give me some credit. Ugh. What follows is a massive amount of running from digital monsters, ha -- Digimon. Sweet. Anyways, we get a lot of back tracking and dumb situations that never actually lead anywhere. Okay, dragon's fighting? Nope, more running. How about now? Not a chance. For some odd reason, we get a sub plot of FBI agents which comes out of no where. It confused me, because one double crosses the other and I don't care. What is going on? We come to the end which involves the two Imoogi dueling off, blah blah blah. Sarah sacrifices herself to the good Imoogi, finally -- A DRAGON! 15 SECONDS OF DRAGONS! I hate you movie. Hate. This movie is directed by Hyung-rae Shim, who is actually a very popular comedian in Korea. Which is suiting because this movie is hilariously bad. I think there was a language barrier while directing American actors. So heres the rundown, the visual effects are pretty good. With an $80 Million budget -- they should be. The writing is aweful, the acting is laughable. THERE IS NO DRAGON WAR! Just creatures chasing humans and the occasional human sized villian who looks like hes straight out of a bad Power Rangers episode. I would rather 69 a grizzly bear than watch this again. 2/10